2014.06.02 Meet the Parents

Meet the Parents
Christina, accompanied by her fiance Lazarus, goes back home for the first time in over a decade to inform her parents of their impending wedding. Hilarity ensues. NSFL (Not Safe For Life) You have been warned.
IC Date	June 2, 2014
IC Time	Late Evening
Players	Basilisk, Cameron, Christina, Lazarus

It's a nice suburban home, closer to Prospect than one would realize, in a mundane, average neighborhood. The Buick in the driveway, the freshly trimmed lawn done up by whatever landscaper, the 'this house protected by ADT'; it's all there. Assuming that there's a knock on the doorbell, a loud screech -- Edith Bunker in variety of -- "JUST A MINUTE!" can be heard.

Christina is dressed in her usual "professional" type clothing, thankfully no pencil skirt since someone corrected her on that dress code. She stands nervously on the porch, fingers running through her hair with one hand, while the other rests at her elbow, gripping her sleeve. She leans in to mutter to Lazarus. "I... I don't even remember what they look like... or how long they've been retired..."

Lazarus is dressed exactly the same as he always is... That same blue button up with black slacks and black gloves, because he's not a varying person. He of course has his arm around Christina's lower back as he awaits her parents to answer the door, a light smile on his face. "I'm sure it'll come back to you once you see them dear. I suppose that's what the visit is for, eh? Get to know everyone before the wedding and all that?"

When the door finally opens, there are two naked members of the human species before both Christina and Lazarus. These are not people like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, or even anyone remotely attractive -- these are two naked people, over middle age and creeping into elderly, with fat pockets, rolls, and in no way the kinds of individuals anyone would ever want to see. Ever.

And Mr. Hynes is very happy to see both his daughter, and soon to be, his new son.

"CHRISTINA," He exclaims in a gruff, fat man voice. "SO GOOD TO SEE YOU, MISSED YOU SO MUCH, GIVE YOUR FATHER A HUG," His arms open wide -- fat dropping down both forearm and tricept.

Mrs. Hynes smiles "Christina." the female member says. "Welcome home. Its been too long, come in come in. Is this the young man I've heard so much about." she chuckles, making the wobbles of her naked flesh move with her laugh.

Christina looks like a deer in the headlights. "I... w... what... n-no we..." he looks up pleadingly. "Lazarus... what is happening?"

Mr. Hynes grabs hold of Christina and hugs her; it should also be noted he's covered in sweat. "GERALD," the man exclaims, arms outstretched, "Come here and give your new father a hug, you ivy league educated lawyer you!" Yes, shoes to live up by.

Lazarus pauses for a moment, then removes a small piece of paper from his pocket. He glances it over a few times, then leans back to glance at the number on the side of the house. He then blinks a few times and replaces the piece of paper within his pocket, before turning back to her parents with a slightly shocked look on his face. "We... Erm... Just came from the lab, and err... We need to remain... Uhm... Sterile, in case of contamination by... Uhm... Flesh eating bacteria." he explains in a few short bouts of stuttering and embarrassment before looking back down to Christina. "Your parents seem to be... Uhm... Nudists?" he comments as he raises his hands defensively. "Flesh eating bacteria!"

Mrs. Hynes smiles. "I look forward to meeting both of you. But I understand if you don't want to give your dear old mother a hug. Come inside, make yourselves at home. We have a lot of catching up to do..."

Christina alternates rapidly between deathly pale and glowing red. "I uhmm... do-don't want to risk con-contimantion... err co-contaminating you I mean!" she shouts a little too loud. "I... we... we do have a lot of catching up I-I think..." she says locking her wide eyes FIRMLY on her shoes... OH GOD the shoes are shiny! The floor.

"Your mothah and I just got done with a four hour fuck fest amidst roast cooking," Mr. Hynes says to Christina after the door closed, before elbow-nudging Lazarus with glee. "Viagra, you'll learn to -love- it. Hey, did you know that in some cultures, sperm is a flavoring ingredient in dinner cuisine?" A pause, "Guess what we're having for dinner tonight!"

Mrs. Hynes smiles. "Oh honey, you know we cleaned up. Its not sanitary to get things all over the place." she says. "Maybe they dont want to talk about our sex lives. Though sex is a beautiful thing. Maybe over roast we can talk about their sex lives?"

Lazarus pauses for a moment again, then glances around the home in thought. He's still embarrassed of course, but... Damn. "I... I am very wealthy. Please, if you'll just pick a restaurant, we will gladly take you both out to whatever restaurant you want, for any desert you want... Uhm... You know, I know this wonderful balcony restaurant where I can reserve the balcony just for us, and we can talk over dinner..." he notes, obviously implying they should get dressed and go elsewhere. "I mean, you deserve it..." he notes as he looks around. "Oh, I'm not Gerald. I'm, uh, Lazarus. Lazarus Black."

Christina spins on one foot and is already half way to the door, ready to abandon Lazarus to his fate when she hears the offer of going out. "Uhmmm ye-yes... it uhmm... you've worked uhmmm worked hard. A-all... all day. We'll... sit. Clothed. In public."

"Non-sense!" Mr. Hynes won't have it, no way, this sperm-bake is entirely too important to him. The dining room is just like that in any other upper middle-class household: decorative, some parts ornate. The strangest thing is the shrine they have to what appears to be a giant pink-purple phallic shaped object in the far corner of the room. The table is set, ornately, and the tubby gentleman begins to maneuer that fat ass close to the head of the table.

Mrs. Hynes Frowns. "Its allright, dear. I know a perfect place we can take them. You know Mary Sue runs that clothing optiona restaurant down by the docks? It has five star cuisine and I hear the prawns are to die for."

Lazarus keeps his hand on Christina's waist... Whether she wants him to or not. He has a weak smile on his face, which is quite obviously faked. Not even -he- can fake it this long. "Erm... Yes... I suppose we can take one of those things..." he says before turning to Christina for a moment. "Right, darling?"

Christina quickly reaches into her pocket, retrieving the case for her birth control glasses. "Something isn't right..." she mutters, tapping the lenses twice.

Mr. Hynes just watches the whole scene unfold. "What, are you saying my home isn't good enough for you?" The flabby man asks his daughter. "Are you saying the sperm that you came from is suddenly not good enough for you now?!" He's getting uppity. Mrs. Hynes will have to calm him down in some way, shape, or form.

Mrs. Hynes frowns. "Honey, there is no sperm on the roast. I have my limits, and apparantly they do too. I think we're embarassing the kids. Have..have you gone Catholic, Christina?"

Lazarus pauses, then reaches into his pocket to quickly remove a pair of black, mirrored shades. Something has apparently set him on edge, likely Christina doing the same them. He then turns, looking back at both parents with a more intense, obviously businesslike observance. Nothing sexual at all here. Newp. "Hmmm..." he says idly as he removes them and shakes his head to Christina. "I believe we're Athiests." he comments idly.

Christina nods to her mother. "Th-thank you mom... I.. I mean err wait no. No I'm n-not... ca... I... I d-don't kn-know what's going on..." she admits taking a step back towards the door again.

"HAHA!" Mr. Hynes exclaims, pointing his finger at both his daughter and his daughter's fiance. "Got you! I wouldn't put sperm in the food, I just wanted to make you think we're a bunch of yahoos." Mission: Accomplished. "Yeah, we can go to that joint where we can all be all sorts of naked, if you want,"

Mrs. Hynes offers. "Or just eat here, be polite and put pants on? Im going to go put some on myself." she heads to the bedroom a moment.

Mr. Hynes yells after his wife, "Bring me the robe!" He's disheartened by it, really.

Lazarus lets out a sigh of relief, then nods as he moves back to Christina and wraps his arm back around her waist. "There we are..." he says as he turns back to the parents and smiles a little bit. "Right... Uhm... Like I said, I'm Doctor Lazarus Black. A pleasure to meet you both..."

Christina stares in shock for several moments before looking back to Lazarus. "I think I remember where my sense of humor comes from..."

Mrs. Hynes comes back in a white cotton robe, then brings one for the Mr. as well "Here you are dear. Im sorry. I forget that not everyone knows of our lifestyle change."

Mr. Hynes shakes his head. The rob goes on, doing a pretty piss poor job of covering that entirely large-bodied frame -- but it's something. "Will you two stop being sillies now and come in and sup with us?"

Lazarus nods a few more times, apparently determined to do this dammit. "Yes... Yes of course." he states as he walks to the table and pulls out a chair for Christina, allowing her to sit before doing so himself. "So... Uh, you both must have a lot of questions..."

Christina is still bright red but manages to make herself sit at the table, her weight shifting near constantly in a subcoscious display of discomfort. "I.. we... th-thank you..." she replies.

Once seated, however, Christina's father says, "Excuse me for a moment." Thereafter a hand is pushed into his pocket and pulls out, of all things, clips -- like the kind used to hang clothing from a clothes line. But there's no clothes to hang, so he does the next best thing: with a pleasured squeek, he puts one clip on one nipple, and then the other. "Ahh. That's so much better."

Mrs. Hynes smiles. "It is." she says. "Let me go check it." with that she makes her way to the kitchen, wearing something under her robe. Is that a leather teddy?

Lazarus frowns a bit, then glances over to Christina, almost expecting her to run out the door at this point. "Right..." he notes as he looks back to the other two. "Your daughter is very... Erm... Shy, if you'd forgotten... Or if she wasn't like this before."

Christina closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She wants to run, it's obvious. She wants to cry, she wants to do anything that isn't sitting here. She is also very obviously shoving past this. "Yes... this... this uhmm this is Lazarus we uhmmm... w-we work together and and uhmm... we uhmm... I needed to tell you we uhmm..."

"Don't worry!" exclaims her father, to the young man, "Christina be more out going as time progresses. Once she hits her 40's, though, you better watch out with them younger men! They really give a pounding!" He turns towards the kitchen door: "DONT THEY, EDNA? DON'T THOSE YOUNGER MEN REALLY GIVE A POUNDIN'?" He yells at his wife as she's preparing to bring the food out.

"So, how's you two sex life?"

Mrs. Hynes starts setting the food on the table. Unlike the couple, its very traditional. Roast with potatoes, carrots, salad, the works. "Dear... dear could you check on the dog? I'd let him in but I think they have too much excitement for one day."

Lazarus scoots a little closer to Christina, then lay a hand in her lap, so she can have something to squeeze the life out of at least. "Right... I work in experimental medicine..." he says leadingly, as though he were having a conversation that doesn't actually exist at the moment.

Christina just continues pushing on. "I err... a-am n-not comfortable talking about errr about that subject." she still has no problem taking the food though, spooning out a fairly large serving onto her plate. "Uhmmm I err s-see you've uhmmm both retired then?"

The man whose nipples are pinched rises and does as his wife asks. When the door opens, this super old dog -- a mutt of some kind -- medium sized, enters and pads slowly across the room, under the table, tail wagging.

Immediately, this dog pushes itself between Lazarus' legs in an attempt for a good ole' crotch sniff fest.

"Now, you have to understand, anal is a pleasure that most women won't immediately give into out of fear of social repercussion," The fat man sits down at the head of the table, while proceeding to give Lazarus advice -- which he neither asked for nor is warranted, "If she protests, ignore. Just casually," and he's simulating it all out with one hand and a finger, "..stick it in, like it was hot butta on a loaf of bread."

Mrs. Hynes paues. "Dear. Lets talk about something else. Christina is.. not comfortable." she blushes. "Yes. We've retired. As you can tell, we've become..a bit more free spirited."

Lazarus pauses, apparently listening to the other half of the conversation that doesn't exist, before nodding and responding. Apparently he's not all here at the moment. "Yes, we've made some very exciting advancements recently. It's quite a prosperous field, even if we don't exactly work in space stations." he comments before taking a sip of whatever drink was sat before him, apparently not actually here at the moment.

"Now," Mr. Hynes seems to get off topic for a moment, and begins to ask a serious question. He takes a slice of the roast and puts it on his plate. "We were wondering. Is your wedding a clothing optional event?" The hope that is in this question is overwhelming: he really wants it to be.

Christina blinks and looks towards her dad for the first time. "Wa-wait how did you.. how did you know we were?"

Lazarus seems to snap out of his self induced reality alteration fit for a Marauder, then peers over at Mr. Hynes with wide eyes as he shakes his head quickly. "What!? Absolutely not. Clothing is required..." he says with a slightly more bold voice, before shrinking a little bit and glancing back to Christina. "Sometimes parents, in an attempt to further the dating process, assume or state there will be a wedding in hopes of inciting one..." he points out as he looks back towards the roast beef, considering it.

Mrs. Hynes smiles 'dinner's on." she says. "Yes a wedding and perhaps...grandchildren?" she says hopefully.

To that, the oversized man just smiles at his daughter. "The great Space Cow told us all about it." Oh boy. Here we go. "You see, your mother and I joined a religious organization called The Bovine Order -- or as we jokingly refer to it as -- the illMOOanati. We worship this space cow, and we believe that one day, the Space Cow will come to earth and shower us all with milk from his/her one giant purple udder-penis. The milk of enlightenment." He then begins to humm a weird mantra, that sounds like 'oooookraaaahhh ooooooraaaaaah moooooOOOOOoooOOO!!'

Christina Looks back to her plate. "We uhh... that..." food time, no time for talking. Christina quickly starts to shovel food into her mouth, completely DESTROYING her share. She chews only about long enough to bring in more food. It's not the panicked eating of someone starving, it is practiced and calculated, the kind of eating one often sees in marines on a time table.

Lazarus pauses, then seems to begin to go with the conversation finally, although not the crazier parts of it, which he simply ignores entirely apparently. "Yes! Grandchildren!" he says happily as he looks over to Christina and grins widely. "We'd love to give you grandchildren, wouldn't we darling? Maybe two, one boy and one girl..." he says with a light snicker before looking back over to Mr. Hynes with a slight 'you are insane' look in his eyes.

Mrs. Hynes smiles. "Well we don't need to go into religion right now. They said they're athiests." she says. "Oh to hear the pitter patter of little feet.." she smiles. "Wouldnt that be nice dear?" she says. "Im so glad you want that. And Im glad you like the roast too. Its a new recipe..."

As the food is prepared, the man of the house also digs in -- "Mm, sweetie," After a good swallow, Mr. Hynes leans in to Mrs. Hynes and they start to make out, all hot and passionate like. Smooch smooch and all that good bullshit. It's rather unsettling, and it goes on for a little while, "You make the best sperm bake," There he goes again. What a kidder.

Christina is up, knocking her chair over in her haste. "We'll call with the wedding details. Clothing is mandatory!" she exclaims before bolting for the door.

Lazarus sighs deeply, then replaces his cup back on the table. Please note that he did not eat anything. Regardless, he stands, then nods to the couple. "It was... A pleasure to meet you..." he says slowly before turning to follow his soon to be wife out, if she can get the door open. If not, well... It unlocks from the inside, just like every other door in existence that isn't meant to keep in the mentally handicapped.

Mrs. Hynes smiles. "You too. Dont be strangers. Call okay?" she says, with a worried tone.

No doubt, once Lazarus & Christina leave, her parents argue and inappropriate words are brought up. But at the end of the night, it ends in freaky tantric BDSM activities that neither party can do without. Catagory:Cameron (Old)