2014.08.06 PWN - LEGACY - The Voluptuous Horror of Maxwell Schneider
And so
it came to pass that "Perfectly Sane" Maxwell Schneider got hired on by Petey Bauer, to act as his personal head of security.
Or is that Head of Security?
It's something! It's very good for Petey by far x 10,000. Very bad for everyone else x double that. A homeless madman turned professional wrestler turned homeless madm
an again turned professional face-smasher. Good. This is good. Too good. Delicious.
Ask Joe Cooper and Kevin Moss. Oh wait, YOU CAN'T, they're dead.
O.K., M.A.Y.B.E. N.O.T. D.E.A.D., B.U.T...
N E waysssssss...
Poor. Poor. POOR Rob Hendricks. The (dis)honour of having to - HAVING TO - be side by side by side by side by SIDESIDESIDE with The Portland Madman.
Wait, no, noooooooooooo! In his prESEnce,
you rEFer to him as
Port-Land Mad-Man in-deed!
"Folks, tonight we're here with Petey Bauer's Head of Personal Security,..."
"Mister Hendricks, you refer to Mister Bauer exactly as that: MISTER Bauer, at least when yer in my presence, unless you want me ta perform some makeshift amateur dentistry on your FACE!!!"
"You do not have to tell me twice! Mister Bauer's recently-acquired Head of Personal Security, 'Perfectly Sane' Maxwell Schneider!"
Maxwell nods exaggeratedly, his wild hair flopping about as he does. Rob feels like he just dodged a bullet. How right he is!
"That's right, Robbie! Now, no need ta say more, as I know what yer gonna ask me! Maxie, you'll say, Maxie, we all know what ya did to poor Misters Cooper and Moss, but what're yer thoughts on Misters Matlock and Gates? WELL, I'M GLAD YOU ASKED, HAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHA-HAAAAA!"
"Well, uh-"
Maxwell eyeballed Rob, getting so close, so eye-to-eye that the reference was as close to literal as it could have gotten! Rob backs up, but Maxwell follows. This goes on a couple more times before Maxwell allows Rob to back off. Maxwell has won this round. He is the victor. The winner of this bout: "Perfectly Sane" Maxwell Schneider!!!
Anyway, there remains an uncomfortable pause, with Rob loath to say anything... that is until Maxwell cues him to speak. He gives him permission.
"Well, it's true that you had a couple minor altercations with Matt Matlock, as well as Johnny Bonecrusher's client Adrian Abernathy Gates. I guess you said it best yourself: is this going to lead to anything down the line, or do you feel you could just vent right here and move on?"
Maxwell rests a finger on his right hand onto his bearded chin. He juts out his lower lip noticeably, and seems to be legitimately pondering this question, but who knows.
"Robbie... there IS somethin' I need to get off my chest. Somethin' that happened at Break awn Through that truly irked me. May I 'vent', Robbie? Huh? Can I? Can I, can I, can I, HUH?!?!"
"Yes! Yes! I'm sorry!"
Rob blurted this out, just to be on the safe side. Maxwell smirked, or at least there could very well be a smirk under all that hair.
"Robbie... I... do... NOT... SUCK!!!"
Rob looks confused, and rightfully so.
"The fans... those fansMY FANS, they told me, in unison, that... I SUCKED?! I most certainly do not suck EXCEPT when I'm eating spaghetti or drinking milkshakes! Did you SEE me eating spaghetti or drinking milkshakes at Break awn Through?!"
"Uh... no?"
"DID YA?!"
"N-no! No!"
"Ya didn't, DID ya? Ha! Joke's on them! Thats because I DIDN'T! I did no such thing. I was too busy reffin' matches and protectin' poor Mister Petey Bauer! Those fans besmirched my good name! They, they SLANDERED me! Why!! We were all good pals, I was just doin' my job, my job I was PAID ta do, and they turn around and do this to ME?! BIG MISTAKE! You just never know in what mysterious ways I'll extract my revenge for this! Legally? Maybe! Brutally? Oh, most assuredly! HAAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAaaa!"
There's yet another crucial pause. Rob needs to figure out how to move forward. Is it okay to just return to the previous question? The one he never answered anyway? Will asking him incite violent retribution? Who knows? Hell, anything could cause Maxwell to snap, so why not YOLO this situation?
"And as far as Matlock and Gates goes?"
Maxwell looks confused. Where did this come from? Who are these names he's uttering? Oh, right, duh, of course he knows who these people are! They're the ones who got in his face. Stupidly. Suicidally. Yes... Yes...
"Robbie, ya KNOW I got work ta do fer Mister Bauer; if people wanna get in my face, LET 'EM! Let 'em try, and try often, because you just never know when I'll take what I can and chomp DOWN! If you want that on your conscious, then so BE it! If I don't do nothin', at LEAST thank me fer the courtesy!"
Rob nods, not much else he can say about that.
"So besides from your top priority of protecting Mister Bauer, what does the future hold for Maxwell Schneider?"
"Oh, so, you want me ta tell ya what else I wanna get up to in Legacy. Is that it? You suddenly wanna get all buddy-buddy with me and Mister Bauer? Well, whatever Mister Bauer asks me ta do, it's gonna get DONE. Hell, if he asks me to vivisect you, oh Robbie, buddy, you're as good as VIVISECTED!!! What does the future hold fer Maxwell Schneider... Yeah, wouldn't YOU like ta know! HAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHA-HAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...."
He laughs right in Rob's face this time, then immediately storms off. Rob feels like he dodged all the bullets in the guns of all the Americans.
