2014.07.29: PWN - LEGACY - Who The Hell is Ryan Hawkins

Ha ha ha. This couldn’t end up being more perfect. It would seem ol’ Petey Bauer doesn’t like me but he’s given me exactly what I want. You see, all I wanted was to get another match with Silas Romero. While I don’t get that *yet* what I do get is a warm-up match, and at the same time I end up placed in a tournament to crown the first ever “Classic Champion”. Oh, and if Silas manages to win his match? Not ONLY do I get my chance to avenge my loss, but at the same time I get the chance to take him out of the tournament! What more can a hugely talented man like myself ask for?

Well, a lifetime supply of vodka and guaranteed lifetime blowjobs would be nice. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

So, I have to ask this question again. Who the hell is Ryan Hawkins?

The scene fades in now to a simple location. It’s a kitchen table, with some scattered papers, a plate that has obviously been recently eaten off of, and two empty cans of beer; Molson Canadian of course. As the camera pans you of course see yours truly seated, sipping on yet another beer with a piece of paper in hand. A loud and audible chuckle can be heard as I shake my head.

You know what really astounds me sometimes? The stupidity of people. There are two people in particular that I’m referring to right now. First off, the one everyone hates, Petey Bauer. I ask for a match against Silas Romero, he gives me a warm up match to get to him, and puts me in a tournament for a championship? Thanks for rewarding this “toothless Canuck” Petey boy.

But you know who is more stupid? Silas Romero. Oh Silas. You know I meant to speak to you last week but I was buy with promotional appearances and personal stuff. Here’s the thing though. You and me, we have a kickass match and tore the roof off the building. But you ruined it by cheating to get to victory. Don’t get me wrong though. If I was in your place, I most likely would have done the same thing. However I wouldn’t have made the mistake that you made. What mistake was that, you may ask?

Chug chug chug goes the beer, and the empty can goes alongside the others.

The fact that you cheated to beat me, but your last match you won WITHOUT cheating. So you, I am assuming inadvertently, basically said to the world that you NEED to cheat to defeat me, but you do not need to cheat to beat anyone else. So that Silas, is the mistake that you made and it proves you are indeed lesser then me. If it were me in your place I’d just keep cheating. After all, you can’t let your opponents know your weaknesses, and you can’t let the world realize how stupid you are. That is just a heads up for next time.

A sly wink to the camera and a grab for another beer, the fourth of the six pack. Crack the can, take a drink, and continue onward.

But now we are on to more important things, and that would be my upcoming match at ol’ Peteys’ tribute show against Ryan Hawkins. Like I asked earlier, who is he? So far the only thing we’ve seen from him is an appearance in two separate handicap matches, being fed to Brixton and Gates respectively. Yeah that’s right, the only thing Hawkins has done of note is to one of the men to get squashed in handicap matches while his opponents battled to see who could squash them the fastest. Besides that? Well, lemme see here.

Oh, he is apparently a Zack Ryder wannabe. Yeah, I mean of all the things in the world to aspire to want to be, Ryder, really? I know that Zack isn’t the only one to have a web show, but ol’ Ryan here wears a headband, shouts “Yo Yo Yo” and calls himself “Ry-Dog”. Ryan, you’re pathetic. You might as well call yourself Ryan Ryder, because you’re such a complete and utter carbon copy it makes me want to vomit up this delicious beer. But I have more respect for the brand of Molson Canadian then that so I won’t vomit it up.

Of course, this is all based on the idea that Ryan will actually show up for the match. No one has heard ol’ “Ry-Dog” speak in a month. Maybe he’s been muzzled? Regardless, the fact remains that it will be me, not Ryan, victorious at the next show and I will move on in the tournament. Don’t like it? Well, that’s too fucking bad, isn’t it?

Fade the fuck out.