2014.07.28: PWN - LEGACY - Six-Man-Sanity!
"Then-- the main event of the evening.. and what a main event it is! The Clientele.. Drew Stevenson, Drexel and Bison, of course managed by Decaine finds themselves in uncharted territory after their run of dominance.. as we learned that after Break on Through this was an EXECUTIVE CALL by King Treborn to have Johnny Bonecrusher's client-- Adrian Abernathy Gates team with Stan Biehn's Samoan Suicide Squad to challenge Decaine's army. Drew and AAG had a run in already, things got tense between the two but didn't go any further than that.. where as Drexel, Bison, Antivenom and <The> Scar?! They've been to hell and back TWICE. A JAM-PACKED, definitely COMBUSTIBLE main event will close out Peter Bauer's Tribute Show.. but for the first time since his debut.. The Emerald is actually looking across the ring at worthy challengers.. This'll be a FIGHT for the AGES!"
...And exactly what I wanted ever since my man Ade's invitation for someone to beat him down came to a head only part-way through Break on Through itself! Oh, sure, Tyrone Solomon was quite the savoury appetizer, one of the best Ade's ever consumed,... but even before he dined on that young veal, there was an old turkey that dared to cluck in his face...
...And that turkey's name rhymes with "Spew Unreason".
Now, see, what we have here is another one of those stories that starts off innocuous enough, but ends up with everyone dead. On one side, we have The Clientele, a Decaine-guy-powered alliance of epic proportions. A force of nature fueled by ego. On the other side, a motley crew consisting of Stan Biehn's men in Antivenom and The Scar, otherwise known as The Samoan Suicide Squad, and Yours Truly's main man Adrian... Abernathy... Gates. A force of nature fueled by id. When ego and id collide freely, it's a disaster that'll leave the face of Legacy changed... forever!
Oh, but don't take my word for it, listen to what these two fine men have to say on the subject!
Our story begins today in none other than my hometown of New Westminster, British Columbia, Canada at Moody Park Pool, not too far from where I live during my downtime. Being a member of three territories, two of which I'm an active competitor in, is pretty tough. True, USW has sporadic shows going on these days, but that might soon change. Oh, they might get their shit together, but I doubt it. What will change, however, is my status within the company. I'm a champion there, one-half of the World Tag-Team Champions alongside Bryan York, but with him soon on the outs, and the company itself doing things I'm not too impressed with, The Johnny may wind up a two-territory man. As I get older, this is going to have to be the way things go anyway. Time will tell. These days, MSW and Legacy have my loyalties; USW is my backburner place now despite it being the place that brought me out of retirement in the first place. But anyway...
My Man Ade and Yours Truly rented out the entire pool, much to the chagrin of the sweaty locals desperate for respite from the Southwestern Canadian heat. That's right, technically I'm a Southwesterner. Don't dwell on it too much. Don't dwell on us selfishly hogging the pool for us as well as the camera crews... and our new best friend Rebecca Bradley, who we didn't invite to the pool to see her in a bathing suit, you sick!!! fucks!!!
Though we did.
At any rate, not to worry about this perceived bad guy move; once we're done here, we've arranged for everyone to get in for free, so put that in your accusation pipes and smoke it, suckas!
Ensuring that Rebecca wouldn't get electrocuted with this particular microphone, the interview begins in the pool.
"Well, I have to say, this is definitely a change of scenery for me. Though this could have easily just been done back in Cali, but I guess I shouldn't complain about a free trip out of the country."
We're both in the shallow end of the pool - and before I continue and people accuse me of "cutting promos" exclusively in waterways these days, need I remind you that it's the Summer, and I hate the heat? Yeah. So. Shut up.
Ade's busy doing laps, so right now it's just Rebecca and Yours Truly.
"'Free trip'?! Do I look like I'm made of money to you?!" I exclaim.
She looks at me like I'm an idiot. "You should have made that joke at the airport..."
Damn.
"Whaaaatya wanna ask me anyway, Bradley??"
She laughs at her minor victory. They don't call me Canadian Stupid Fresh because I'm a sack of potatoes just dug up from the ground!
"At the Peter Bauer Tribute Show, many major announcements will come to fruition, one of which being the big main event, a six-man tag-team match, pitting Decaine's Clientele against Stan Biehn's Samoan Suicide Squad and your man Adrian Abernathy Gates. After only two matches in Legacy, Ade surely has his greatest challenge yet! Now I know I'm probably going to get some snide comment about the unoriginality of the following questions, but what are your thoughts on Ade being proverbially thrown into the deep end, and how do you personally feel about King Treborn personally adding him to this match?"
Please note: since time immemorial, wrestling interviewers have been asking different variations of this question, but, I mean, what else is she going to ask me? What my favourite colour is? Do I like sushi? Favourite wrestler today? No.
But to answer those questions: Black, yes, and Ox Baker.
"Bradley, this was one of those one-in-a-million shots in the dark. A passing shit in the night. Yes, I meant shit!!! Here Ade and I were minding our own businesses, when all of a sudden, one Drew Stevenson decided it was a good career move to get into The Gentleman Thug's face. Using words he damn well knows Ade can't understand! And if you're not making sense to my man, you're as good as a chav... and that means you're as good as busted! While it's true that Drewsky's hardly a chav, what with all his wealth and high soc' upbringing, but try convince my man of that. Try, Bradley, try!! No, all Drew did was get into a situation where he's going to finally, at long last meet his match. Drew don't like vicious brutes? Face-eaters? No need to worry, mah man! Ade's an honorable chap in the-"
All of a sudden, powerful arms wrap themselves around my throat and drive me underwater. I panic and struggle, and miraculously slip through and resurface to take in Sweet Lady Oxygen. I look at Ade with murderous intent.
"Wot's dat about me bein' a chav now, my son?!"
I clench and unclench my hands as I figure out what horrible thing to do to this nutcase. Rebecca just looks in in horrified incredulousness.
"I said chap, Ade! chap! C-H-A-P!!! I'm debating taking back the honourable bit right about now, god dammit!!"
His expression, alongside his muscles soften as the tension instantaneously washes away.
"Oh. Dreadfully sorry dere, Bones. I'm just psyched up over dis row nex' month."
I just look at Rebecca for some answers, but of course find none.
I look at Ade, but he's already gone back to his aqua-calisthenics.
"A-anyway... what was I saying? I think I experienced some brain death there... Oh, right. Deep end. Deep end? Deep end?! Bradley, we're all about that deep end! Rest assured, if we're drowning, we're taking everyone down with us! Decaine's gonna need to recruit some new 'guys' after his old ones are trawled from the bottom of the proverbial pool. This came sooner than I thought it would, but this is my man Ade's time to show he's adept at annihilating foes of all levels of proficiency in this crazy thing we call pro wrestling."
"And what about Drexel and Bison?" she asks. What, she wasn't impressed with how I waxed poetic on both The Emerald Dingus and The Chav-Buster? Sheesh!
"Drexel... I don't know a damn thing about that guy. He's the latest Decaine Guy. That's it. Woo. Drexel. Let's just say that Drexel's gonna get Wrexeled. And as far as far as Buffalo Jones is concerned, is he even a true Decaine Guy, or is he just a hunk? Is he one of those mindless apes that just Hulk Smashes his way through life, content with forever being considered a hired thug? Well, be content with that, hell, be content with being able to walk on your own, because Ade's no ordinary thug, and he sure as hell ain't no hired thug! He's my Number One, hence my Number One Hit-Maker title. Ade's a Johnny Guy, and so while Ibex Smith is just a throwaway goon, Ade's here to stay!"
"So with that-"
"Wait!" I interrupt. "I've some more names to run through: Ox Connor, Bull Green, Gnu Creed, Yak Johnson,... Male Cow... Barries... Ugh..."
I shamefully stop out of disgust. Rebecca just shakes her head ever so subtly.
"Right. Well. Moving on, as stated, it was indeed King Treborn himself that added Ade to the match. Do you think it was Drew's comments that helped move along that decision?"
I sense Ade this time and turn around with my back to the wall of the pool. This time, however, he comes in peace.
"Allow me to add-ress dis question, Bones. Miss Bradleys, wotever reason dat Mr. Tree-born 'ad fer including me in dis contest, it ain't gonna change much. Wiv dat kindly Mr. Bean's lads on my side, dat Clientele's gonna 'ave many a wound to lick when dey run into us. Mr. Stevenson wuz in my good books until his unkind words made me fink 'e'd be better off wiv a matching set of broken legs. I can deliver dis. Dem over lads can spar wiv my mates Ant-eye-venom and Th' Scar, but Mr. Stevenson's gonna be my quarry dat night!"
"Let me make one thing... perfectly clear!" I say for the first time in a while. I feel ashamed that I haven't said this in quite some time, but I've had other things on my mind. The return of this most beloved catch-phrase is something the fans can enjoy until that fateful day on August 9th. "It's like my man said: whatever King Treborn had in mind when he added Ade to this match, I don't think he's fully aware of what this is going to lead to. Ade ain't no Alyssa Pryde: he's not gonna be a thorn in Drew's side insomuch as he's going to be a claymore through his heart!"
"Uh, dat's a Scottish sword, a claymore is, Bones."
I snap back, "It's still apt, Ade! Apt!!!"
He shrugs and casually gets back to swimming around. I was amazed that he managed to learn to swim in-between his brawling and his mugging. I felt a bit jealous, as I couldn't swim. All right, okay, I can doggy-paddle... poorly. Shut up!
Anyway, we spend the rest of our time together relaxing in the pool, and it was at this time that I was glad I took Rebecca instead of Rob Hendricks. What she wore was a very good thing to have worn. I'm a sad individual.
