In a departure for the norm, wrestling fans who click the link to Alyssa Pryde's latest promo are greated not with her face, but rather with a small, animated figure...
I is a certified legend. I is a god. I cannot be beat because I'm immortal and women belong, barefoot and pregnant, in the kitchen. Cause I said so. Nevermind that fact that I'm dating a female athlete, there ARE no female athletes. In fact, there are NO other athletes. There is only me. Everyone else in this sport is beneath me, so much so that all wrestling should be canceled and I should just be given all the titles. Al Snow might have had 'PIN ME, PAY ME' but I've got 'IF I LOSE, I LEAVE'. That's why I've never had a losing streak, see? I won't put my hands on a woman, 'cause women are inferior beings. Even though it's my job to wrestler, anyone ever booked should realize that it's an honor and a privilege to be ring the ring with me. If I beat you then I'll never let you forget it but if you beat me I'll be back on the next train to Missouri! This is my business, this is my ring, I make the rules, dammit! Look how big I is! Look how little you is! Ha! You lose! I technical, you hardcore. BAH! You lose! What did you say? I don't know what you said, I wasn't listening... but whatever you said, it mans that I is right and you is wrong, 'cause I said so! HA! BACKTRACKER! I is evolved, you is caveman. CAVEWOMAN! Cavewoman who should be in cavekitchen cooking cavemeat for cavedinner. HA!
At this point a small South Park stripper with long black hair walks in from the right. She stops, rubs South Park Drew's abs for a second, looks directly into the camera, blinks 3 times, and walks off to the left. South Park Drew starts up again...
Where was I? Oh yeah, I sez the match ain't gonna happen, because everywhere I work if the bosses don't do what I say, I split. So I say this match ain't gonna happen cause I is a man and you is a woman. GO FIX ME A SANDWICH! AND CHEEZY POOFS! I WANT CHEESY POOFS! And another thing... You need to realize that I never lose cause I say so. So you can't win, it can't happen and if it does I won't stick around anyway. I is a GOD! You'll never be me, no one can be me, 'cause I is the bestest of foreverdom, no body anywhere or anywhen is anywhere or anywhen as good as I is in that ring 'cause I sez so, so be it. I'll never lose cause I sez so. You're nothing... and even though I just left a company bitching and complaining that no one would RECOGNIZE my greatness I don't have to RECOGNIZE the greatness of anybody 'cause there isn't any. I is the only greatness. I is the only one who is any good at all. Nobody is on my level and they never willz be cause IAMTHE GREATESTGODEVERTHEBESTWRESTLEROFALLZTIME!!!!!!
The image fades, and is replaced...
Sorry about that. Seems my little animated friend got a tiny bit carried away. My bad. What can I say though, little fucker just cut the Promo Of The Year. That's better Drew Stevenson than even Drew Stevenson can pull off.
But hey, I can't really blame the fucker... and I'm talking about the real one now... for getting bent out of shape and nervous. I mean, Drew Stevenson knows that I can beat him. Hell, Drew Stevenson KNOWS that I'm GOING to beat him on Friday night. It's eating away at him, but the truth? That's not really what's making him crazy. Losing bothers Stevenson, that much is obvious. He's so invested in his own hype that he has no real recourse when it fails him but to quit his job, wherever he happens to be working, and head for the lush green pastures of another promotion. I even watched, a couple weeks ago, as he explained how he purposely structures his contracts in such a way that as soon as he loses a match, he can get out of it. True story.
So, given that this is already true about Stevenson, now we add on the next layer... Drew Stevenson hates and fears women. He doesn't believe that women should be allowed to compete with men, and yet he seems strangely attracted to female athletes... but usually only those who have losing records... Amy Drew-Sharpe and Liz Smalls both come to mind. He, whenever he can, refuses to compete against women, and if a promoter books him against a woman he will bitch, moan and complain before trying to use his influence to get the match canceled of changed.
Furthermore, Drew lives in a world where bigger is better on an absolute scale. In Drew's Emerald City, the bigger wrestler ALWAYS beats the smaller wrestler. In Drew's Emerald City skill, talent and training are all secondary to size... partially because he doesn't believe that ANYONE has any skill, talent or training... besides himself. In the Emerald City, there is only Drew, he is a giant, immortal god, and no one else even comes close.
And then, on top of all that, Drew's ego is such that it is entirely self-propagating to the point of abject blindness. In other words, Drew believes his own hype so much that even when all the signs are there, he has no choice but to underestimate his opponents. He doesn't listen to anything they have to say, he doesn't study their capabilities... and why would he? In his mind, there is no need, because in the Emerald City there isn't anyone in existence that could ever come close to his level of ability. To make matters worse, Drew surrounds himself with nothing but sycophant yes men, meaning that even when he's stuck on the tracks with the train bearing down on him, like he is right now, there's no one who can warn him.
So add all of that up, and what have you got? What does it all mean?
It means that Drew has doomed himself, made the stakes impossibly high for himself. Had it been anyone else, this could have just been another match. A match that Drew Stevenson could have picked himself up after, dusted himself off after, and gone on with his career here in Legacy. But no... now, when Drew Stevenson wakes up in the ER on Saturday morning having lost... having lost to a wrestler who he has told the world is of an inferior sex, smaller, weaker, less skilled, less well trained, less talented, and quite simply beneath him in every single possible way.. what's left for Drew Stevenson?
Nothing. They'll be nothing left. The Emerald City will crumble, and like the internet kids say these days, Drew, you might as well just kill yourself. Because it's all your own doing, a prison of your own creation, but one I'll be more than happy to lock you away in nonetheless.
The Emerald City falls tomorrow night Drew. Brace yourself.
