Dear Diary

July 17

I want to barf. I already threw up like twice, but it's not enough. I took a shower and it's not enough. I still feel gross, slimy. Heavy. Wrong, wrong wrong. I feel... I don't know. I was so mad and he was such a creep and I was already sad and feeling alone and lost and he made me so mad. He called me a cunt and then when he spit... I lost my mind. I don't even remember the first punch. I wish I couldn't remember the feeling of ... that part of him getting hard. God I have to puke again. And when I kicked him and he... I will never be clean enough. I totally lost that fight. I beat him down and he still won because I can't stop feeling like my skin is crawling.

How do I make this stop?

_____________________

July 19

I was sitting outside Rune's place, and Jesus don't even get me started on that, when I met this dude today. Seemed nice. Gentle. Kinda comforting in a weird way. He acted all concerned. I feel like I have a fucking neon sign with an arrow pointing at my head that reads: FEELING REALLY GROSS AND AWKWARD, ASK ME ALL ABOUT IT! I mean, seriously. Everyone has been giving me the third degree. I figured I was better at hiding this shit than I am. Anyway. Dude. Ranger. Weird. Anyway, he comes over and the next fucking thing I know I'm spilling my guts and telling this guy everything. I mean -everything-. What the hell? I guess... I guess because he was a stranger. So, like, it didn't count, right? Like, who's that guy? No one. And he was pretty nice. We ended up walking and then fucking Chance the Holier than Thou wyldling had to show up and ruin everything. Classic him. Yay. So glad we're on the same team, ass pony. Fuck. I lost my temper, boom.

Bleh.

I wonder if Rune is still pissed at me?

Seriously, FML, right?

________________________

July 19

I want to take a knife and carve this out of me. I want to cut. I want to bleed. Because this pressure inside is going to choke me. I don't know what to do. I can't... say the things I feel. I have to be hard. I have to be cold. I have to be beyond this. I can't be weak. This feeling is weakness. It's stupid, childish weakness. It's unacceptable.

I want to carve my heart out. I don't want to feel like this. I need to stop feeling like this. I just want it out. I want it to stop. Please, let me close my eyes and when I open them again... please let me just be... unfeeling.